Sunday, June 29, 2008

The Story of Al

"Write a post about sex." she said.

"What should it be about?" I asked.

"Sex." came the obvious reply.

"No, what about sex? I can't just do a bow-chicka-bow-wow post! It has to be the kinkiest sex I've had, or a time I got caught doing it, or something." I whined, trying to put her off the idea of my writing a sex post.

"Fine then, just tell a story, any story, and dedicate it to me." she said, somewhat annoyed.
"No, I can hear your brain cells constricting, it's too much pressure, don't bother." She added in a guilt coated bullet straight to the heart.

So here it is, the story of al. You may have noticed al in the upper right hand corner of my blog. I thought he was cute and wanted to add him, but I let the company post him to my sidebar rather than pasting the code in myself, so he ended up way up at the top, and I didn't like him there.
My girl helped create and name al, and she grew attached to him immediately. She was unhappy about me deleting him, and was sure I would not put him back in a new lower position in my sidebar, so there he is...for now.

We had this exchange over the phone as we are geographically undesirable to one another. When we do see each other it involves airplanes and airfare and suitcases. We usually spend the time we have together holed up having lots and lots of sex, some food, and showering. I suspect if we had more time together we might at some point venture out, and do something together ya know, with clothes on, but we may never know.

She loves the way I move on top of her, the rhythm, the gentleness. I love the way she moves beneath me, the way her thrusts meet mine, the way she sounds, and how it never stays slow and easy for very long. She loves to talk to me and say things she knows will get me excited, and I reciprocate. We know very well what these things are, because we have sex over the phone more often then not, and all we have then, are the things we say. We know what the buzz words and phrases are for each other. We take each other all kinds of wonderful places without ever leaving the house. We don't know if our long distance relationship will ever turn into a real live living together, shopping together, taking turns vacuuming kind of thing, but we do seem to cling to one another very tightly for all the miles between us.

She is my far-away but close to my heart sweetheart, and al is for her, and so is this story.

Friday, June 27, 2008

If I Could

If I left right now, and I drove straight through, I could be there by Sunday.

I would show up in my pick up truck and throw your stuff in the bed.

You'd be there with your long brown hair, blue eyes, and pretty smile.

You'd hold me tight, you'd let me sleep all night, but when the morning came

We'd make love, and thank God above, for sending me your way

After that we'd go to leave and all your shit is gone

I should've waited until we were ready to leave before I threw it all back there

If I could, I'd replace it all, every last sock and shoe

Screw you too, just stay here, I don't know what I was thinking

With the price of gas, you're one expensive piece of ass, and now I've got to go

If I could, do it all over, I wouldn't have done it at all

You want me so let's just let that be, it's a happy enough ending for me

That's the closest I've ever come to writing a country song. It started out being a sincere poem, but my humor can't seem to take a back seat to romance or politics or even personal safety. If the opportunity presents itself, I take it. It's a sickness! I'm putting on my flak jacket immediately after I post this!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Death to "Lesbian Bed Death"

If there is one phrase I hate, and do not wish to add credence to, it's "lesbian bed death". However, just like all couples find...flames burn out, fire smolders, sparks fade, excitement becomes toleration, even boredom.

With lesbians this may happen faster than with heterosexual couples and I have several half-baked theories as to why this is so.

In part, lesbians are so good at figuring out what our partners want, and giving to them, that it becomes a bit of a drill, a hell of a lot faster than some poor guy trying to figure out what the hell is going on down there. By the time he gets it, his wife has already been frustrated for years, and is grateful for anything even remotely resembling what she might actually want!
The point is to not always just give each other an orgasm as quickly and efficiently as possible, so you can go to sleep, but to enjoy the process of getting there, and getting there isn't always the most important aspect of love making either.

Another reason for the speedy demise of romance among lesbians, may be their penchant for collecting cats. The bed becomes laden with cats (dogs, ferrets, parakeets, peeves and resentments), making sex close to impossible without disturbing something.

Setting personal boundaries is another area in which lesbians do not excel. Being joined at the hip constantly, even during bathroom time, can kill a romance faster than a bare foot jackrabbit on a red hot skillet in the middle of August. The nurturing of mystery is crucial to the survival of the libido.

It has also been my experience that a good many lesbians, deviants that we are, lack an adventurous spirit or creativity when it comes to sex. Many of us are too shy or embarrassed to even talk to our partners about things we'd like to experiment with, or have even done in the past, if we feel our current partners might not approve. The inability to communicate our needs for fear of being judged harshly pretty much insures that those needs, those unspoken, secret, dirty, hidden needs...will not be met.

Am I suggesting that we fumble around a lot so that things stay "interesting" for a longer period of time? Not exactly... Of course if you wish to ensure this so called "lesbian bed death" go here and follow these steps.

If you want to keep the flame alive, you need to work at it. Keep up with your personal hygiene and grooming. Go "toy" shopping together! You may or may not have checked out the Cy-Dy link that I provided in an earlier post. If you didn't, maybe you should. If you did, you know that some of this stuff may be unfamiliar to you, but "fun" to watch and and at least think about. My sweetie was drawn to the "dark-play" area, where some of the focus is on dominant/submissive role playing. Pushing the boundaries of trust can strengthen your relationship in other ways as well. She directed my attention there.

Porn can be a great way for couples to communicate desires to one another. If I find a picture of two women doing something that I seem to fixate on, I send it to my girl in the middle of the afternoon, and say..."thinking of you". This plants a seed in her mind, so when I see her later, she has a pretty good idea where I'd like things to go. She can and does sometimes do the same. I got the idea that she wanted to be dominated, in fact she's pretty much said that to me in plain English. I also thought after watching some of the video from her favorite porn category, that some light bondage might be in order.

Quite excited about the prospect of trying something completely new, I went downtown the little sex shop and picked out a leather collar, a couple of wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, and some nice soft, but strong rope. I put it all down on the counter, and the sales woman said, "Looks like a party!" She rung it all up, and gave me the total, "That comes to $123.00" she said.

"Wow, that's an expensive first date!" I replied. She stopped short for a second, a little stunned, although I'm sure they are not supposed to be, ever... and I let her off the hook. "I'm just kidding" I said laughing, and she laughed too, and added, "It would've been a pretty fun first date!"

I had some carabiners lying around, and looked up rope knots on the Internet, and started practicing some good knots, granny just wasn't going to get it done! I found a way to discretely anchor a ring, that came to the top center of my mattress, to the floor without making any permanent holes, and avoided using my bed frame to handle any stress. I also had four other anchor points available toward the corners of the bed. It was actually very easily done.

I had sent a picture of a woman wearing a strap on, fucking another woman who was tied up, to my girl. The submissive woman had a collar on, and I knew my sweetie would like that! She responded favorably to the email, so after making my purchases, I dumped everything I'd bought out onto a table, took a picture of it with my phone, and sent that to her too. "Oh my god, did you buy that stuff?" she blurted out when she got the pic message, and called me immediately. "Yes, I did. We're going to have some fun this weekend!"
She did let me tie her up, and I did betray her trust, only slightly, by getting a can of whipped cream out and applying it to her various lickable parts, just to torture her because I knew she would not have let me do it otherwise (hates the sticky). I was surprised how much I liked having complete control over her, the pace, the sequence, the timing, all of it, and although I am partial to her having the ability to grab me, we both found aspects of it very enjoyable. As a bonus, she learned just how much she really does trust me, which I think made us both happy. Unfortunately, I did not get the opportunity to prove my trust, but I am looking forward to the day when I can.

Monday, June 16, 2008

The Wordle of Us

Got the idea to do a "wordle" over at Adrenaline's Shadow. This was fun to do, it's kind of a story, to someone very dear to my heart.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Get Real or Not!

I recently enjoyed the movie, Lars and the Real Girl. It got me thinking... There are certain advantages to having a girl of the "blow-up" variety.

Let's take a look at the positives and negatives of blow up dolls (BUDs) versus real ones.

This is not the kind of blow up doll I meant!

BUDS: Pros

She won't nag at you, argue with you, or make you late.

She doesn't mind if you put on a little weight.

She never borrows your clothes, or locks herself out of the house.

She never has a headache or a visit from Aunt Flo.

She doesn't get angry with you for reasons unknown.

When you want to take a vacation, no need to clear it or coordinate it.

She fits neatly into your suitcase. Just deflate her and go.

She won't try to change the radio station in the car, or fight you for the remote.

You don't have to spend holidays with her family.

BUDS: Cons

You are free to spend all of your holidays with YOUR family.

Since you never fight, there's never any make-up sex.

You can't extend your wardrobe by borrowing something of hers.

Dropping the car off for service is major hastle.

Sex is too predictable, and she can't call out your name.

Her income potential is seriously limited.

She always agrees with you and thinks your incredibly funny, which becomes boring after about a month.

She may have a beautiful smile, but you'll never know, because she always has that "surprised" look on her face.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

The A to Fucking Z of Me Meme

Smartassy Version 1.2:

A is for your age: Much older than anyone I would want to date.

B is for your burger of choice: Boca, with soy bacon, cheese, lettuce, tomato and mayo on a whole wheat bun, while driving a Prius with a Free Tibet bumper sticker, and 2.5 dogs in the back.

C is for the car that you drive: Is it raining?

D is for dog’s name: Winnie and Bunny

E is for an essential item you use each day: Staircase

F is for your favorite television show: Dexter

G is for favorite game: "Who's your daddy?"

H is for hometown: Wherever magicians come from, shhhh.

I is for instruments played: kazoo, feeldoe (girlfriend made me add that)

J is for favorite juice: kumquat, but only half a glass, the first half!

K is for what you’d like to kick: A Hobbit.

L is for last restaurant you dined at: The Fu King Chinese Restaurant

M is for your favorite Muppet: Miss Piggy for her calm demeanor.

N is for number of piercings you have: 3

O is for overnight hospital stays: That's not what O is for around here!

P is for people you were with today: The "Pocket Lesbians" among others!

Q is for what you do in quiet times: Make noise.

R is for regrets: Tattoo of a name...I'm lying, but if I had, I'd regret it!

S is for status: Magical, and busy

T is for time you woke up today: Just in time to start my day.

U is for what you consider unique: My sweetie with all of her colors

V is for favorite vegetable: Chocolate Sauce

W is for your worst habit: Attempting Memes after drinking all afternoon.

X is for x-rays you have had: Vision, I can see your underwear.

Y is for yummy food you ate today: Asparagus Risotto

Z is for zodiac sign: The Ram

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Knowing What You Don't Want

We all have a wish list, a dreamy set of ideals we'd like our mate to have or be. Unfortunately, it is unrealistic to think that all of these will be met, and waiting for that to happen, could leave you cold and lonely and bitter. The longer we hold out for perfection, the more willing we become to compromise, before long you are considering a dinner invitation from Larry's sister, the girl that has a front tooth missing and smells vaguely of cabbage and cigars.
My point is, it's important to know what you don't want. Make these the things that you stick to hard and fast. Here's an example of what I mean:

I AM 53 MEXICAN IRISHLooking for a woman who is not bisexual, extreme butch, mentally ill, alcoholic or smoker. If you are none of the above please call (818) 955-3153

This is an actual personal add I found in the "LN". This woman knows exactly what she doesn't want, and clearly, that's all that matters!
She doesn't care if you are a seventy year old crack whore, as long as you don't smoke after work. You could be a nineteen year old compulsive liar confined to a wheel chair, as long as you aren't covered in tattoos, have a buzz cut and keep your wallet on a chain.

I'm going to give Larry's sister her number, it's the least I can do!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

"Lesbian Porn"

How many times have you searched for "lesbian porn" and gotten pages and pages of sites made for men, featuring video after video of straight slutty looking women with long hair, and long nails and fake boobs, who can barely stand to kiss each other, tolerating some sexual act together? Emphasis on the "ACT". Yes, it's porn, they're acting...but does it have to be so unnatural and forced and hard to watch? Well, I never have! I hate porn, it demeans women and it's just wrong! Just kidding.

Child porn, snuff movies, etc. Yes, that is totally wrong and those scumbags should be incarcerated! But porn made by adults, who are being paid, and do it willingly, for adults, is fine by me. Boy, I like commas.

I did finally find some actual lesbian porn made by women for women and it's actually very well done. It is actual couples willingly making love in front of the camera. It's more concerned with showing how into each other they are than getting the best camera angle for a close-up. The name of the site is It is a site that includes videos, photos, various fetishes, and reviews, also some erotica, if you can tear yourself away from the images long enough to read. I hope, if you are interested in this kind of thing, you will venture over there and take a look. If you do, let me know what you think.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Magic Fingers

THIS is funny! Now you can own your very own huge strap on vibrator for your mattress! No more going to cheap hotels with a change-purse full of quarters. Yes ladies, it's true...for only $79.99 you get a one hour self-timed full body massage, that installs in minutes without the use of tools, and is completely portable. If you check out the add, you can see how satisfied and rested the woman in the picture is. She has obviously benefited from "the fingers"!

You too can now know the feeling of magic fingers, as you fade off into blissful slumber. Cheaper than a girlfriend, and that along with a vibrator, a hand held shower massage, and an extensive library of erotica, and possibly a little porn, and plenty to drink...and you won't even notice she's gone. Unless she made your coffee in the morning.