Sunday, June 29, 2008
"What should it be about?" I asked.
"Sex." came the obvious reply.
"No, what about sex? I can't just do a bow-chicka-bow-wow post! It has to be the kinkiest sex I've had, or a time I got caught doing it, or something." I whined, trying to put her off the idea of my writing a sex post.
"Fine then, just tell a story, any story, and dedicate it to me." she said, somewhat annoyed.
"No, I can hear your brain cells constricting, it's too much pressure, don't bother." She added in a guilt coated bullet straight to the heart.
So here it is, the story of al. You may have noticed al in the upper right hand corner of my blog. I thought he was cute and wanted to add him, but I let the company post him to my sidebar rather than pasting the code in myself, so he ended up way up at the top, and I didn't like him there.
My girl helped create and name al, and she grew attached to him immediately. She was unhappy about me deleting him, and was sure I would not put him back in a new lower position in my sidebar, so there he is...for now.
We had this exchange over the phone as we are geographically undesirable to one another. When we do see each other it involves airplanes and airfare and suitcases. We usually spend the time we have together holed up having lots and lots of sex, some food, and showering. I suspect if we had more time together we might at some point venture out, and do something together ya know, with clothes on, but we may never know.
She loves the way I move on top of her, the rhythm, the gentleness. I love the way she moves beneath me, the way her thrusts meet mine, the way she sounds, and how it never stays slow and easy for very long. She loves to talk to me and say things she knows will get me excited, and I reciprocate. We know very well what these things are, because we have sex over the phone more often then not, and all we have then, are the things we say. We know what the buzz words and phrases are for each other. We take each other all kinds of wonderful places without ever leaving the house. We don't know if our long distance relationship will ever turn into a real live living together, shopping together, taking turns vacuuming kind of thing, but we do seem to cling to one another very tightly for all the miles between us.
She is my far-away but close to my heart sweetheart, and al is for her, and so is this story.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
With lesbians this may happen faster than with heterosexual couples and I have several half-baked theories as to why this is so.
In part, lesbians are so good at figuring out what our partners want, and giving to them, that it becomes a bit of a drill, a hell of a lot faster than some poor guy trying to figure out what the hell is going on down there. By the time he gets it, his wife has already been frustrated for years, and is grateful for anything even remotely resembling what she might actually want!
The point is to not always just give each other an orgasm as quickly and efficiently as possible, so you can go to sleep, but to enjoy the process of getting there, and getting there isn't always the most important aspect of love making either.
Another reason for the speedy demise of romance among lesbians, may be their penchant for collecting cats. The bed becomes laden with cats (dogs, ferrets, parakeets, peeves and resentments), making sex close to impossible without disturbing something.
Setting personal boundaries is another area in which lesbians do not excel. Being joined at the hip constantly, even during bathroom time, can kill a romance faster than a bare foot jackrabbit on a red hot skillet in the middle of August. The nurturing of mystery is crucial to the survival of the libido.
It has also been my experience that a good many lesbians, deviants that we are, lack an adventurous spirit or creativity when it comes to sex. Many of us are too shy or embarrassed to even talk to our partners about things we'd like to experiment with, or have even done in the past, if we feel our current partners might not approve. The inability to communicate our needs for fear of being judged harshly pretty much insures that those needs, those unspoken, secret, dirty, hidden needs...will not be met.
Am I suggesting that we fumble around a lot so that things stay "interesting" for a longer period of time? Not exactly... Of course if you wish to ensure this so called "lesbian bed death" go here and follow these steps.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
This is not the kind of blow up doll I meant!
She won't nag at you, argue with you, or make you late.
She doesn't mind if you put on a little weight.
She never borrows your clothes, or locks herself out of the house.
She never has a headache or a visit from Aunt Flo.
She doesn't get angry with you for reasons unknown.
When you want to take a vacation, no need to clear it or coordinate it.
She fits neatly into your suitcase. Just deflate her and go.
She won't try to change the radio station in the car, or fight you for the remote.
You don't have to spend holidays with her family.
You are free to spend all of your holidays with YOUR family.
Since you never fight, there's never any make-up sex.
You can't extend your wardrobe by borrowing something of hers.
Dropping the car off for service is major hastle.
Sex is too predictable, and she can't call out your name.
Her income potential is seriously limited.
She always agrees with you and thinks your incredibly funny, which becomes boring after about a month.
She may have a beautiful smile, but you'll never know, because she always has that "surprised" look on her face.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
A is for your age: Much older than anyone I would want to date.
B is for your burger of choice: Boca, with soy bacon, cheese, lettuce, tomato and mayo on a whole wheat bun, while driving a Prius with a Free Tibet bumper sticker, and 2.5 dogs in the back.
C is for the car that you drive: Is it raining?
D is for dog’s name: Winnie and Bunny
E is for an essential item you use each day: Staircase
F is for your favorite television show: Dexter
G is for favorite game: "Who's your daddy?"
H is for hometown: Wherever magicians come from, shhhh.
I is for instruments played: kazoo, feeldoe (girlfriend made me add that)
J is for favorite juice: kumquat, but only half a glass, the first half!
K is for what you’d like to kick: A Hobbit.
L is for last restaurant you dined at: The Fu King Chinese Restaurant
M is for your favorite Muppet: Miss Piggy for her calm demeanor.
N is for number of piercings you have: 3
O is for overnight hospital stays: That's not what O is for around here!
P is for people you were with today: The "Pocket Lesbians" among others!
Q is for what you do in quiet times: Make noise.
R is for regrets: Tattoo of a name...I'm lying, but if I had, I'd regret it!
S is for status: Magical, and busy
T is for time you woke up today: Just in time to start my day.
U is for what you consider unique: My sweetie with all of her colors
V is for favorite vegetable: Chocolate Sauce
W is for your worst habit: Attempting Memes after drinking all afternoon.
X is for x-rays you have had: Vision, I can see your underwear.
Y is for yummy food you ate today: Asparagus Risotto
Z is for zodiac sign: The Ram
Thursday, June 5, 2008
My point is, it's important to know what you don't want. Make these the things that you stick to hard and fast. Here's an example of what I mean:
I AM 53 MEXICAN IRISHLooking for a woman who is not bisexual, extreme butch, mentally ill, alcoholic or smoker. If you are none of the above please call (818) 955-3153
This is an actual personal add I found in the "LN". This woman knows exactly what she doesn't want, and clearly, that's all that matters!
She doesn't care if you are a seventy year old crack whore, as long as you don't smoke after work. You could be a nineteen year old compulsive liar confined to a wheel chair, as long as you aren't covered in tattoos, have a buzz cut and keep your wallet on a chain.
I'm going to give Larry's sister her number, it's the least I can do!