There is no magic left. Rest in peace Certain Magician.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
The previous story has played itself out, and...I lost. Which one was I? The one who couldn't choose between the two, without first meeting the one from a long distance away. The inability to see all the love that was standing in front of me, trying so hard to be seen and appreciated, was my downfall. I kept thinking the way to the answer was the meeting, and didn't think of looking in my heart to settle it, until it was too late. If I had I'd be happy right now.
Instead, I am the queen of nothing...but heartache. I caused it by buying the ticket, and a total disregard for the feelings I was trampling on, as well as my blindness to the most wonderful woman I've ever had the pleasure of having in my life. There is no good explanation. I don't deserve forgiveness but wish for it with all my heart. I am filled with regret and self-loathing. I have gone to such lengths to insure my misery, and I don't understand why.
A second chance, would be the gift of a lifetime. My vision is clear, my heart is hanging on by a thread to the hope of belonging to my adorable marble once again. My actions have been reprehensible and I know I don't deserve another chance to hold the tender heart in my hands that I have crushed so thoughtlessly; still, my head is filled with nothing but thoughts of finally looking into those beautiful blue eyes with my whole heart, there for the keeping...
Friday, April 3, 2009
The rumors of my passing have been greatly exaggerated! I am still here, I've just had nothing to say, or more likely, had my mouth full...Gah! Get your mind out of the gutter!
I'm sure no one ever comes here anymore, I never had much a following anyway, but I feel like telling a story.
In this story the main character, Jan, is in love with a woman named Nan. Nan is intelligent, creative, and sexy. The two of them can't seem to get enough of each other. Their fates seemed entwined by destiny. They are an odd, but happy couple. One day Nan, who is having a really tough go of things in general, sees Jan struggling as well, and decides that she is an unnecessary burden to Jan, and tells her they must part. It has to be, there is no other way. Nan says she's not cut out for this whole "relationship" thing, and never will be...Jan should move on.
This breaks Jan's heart. She cries and grieves in the midst of her other problems, it all seems too much to take. She falls into a deep depression and can't move, or do things she knows she needs to do. She escapes into the hypnotic glow of the computer screen. She doesn't have to deal with life in there. She spends all her waking hours on a well known social network, and she meets someone.
The woman she meets, Ann, is down to earth, creative, and beautiful in her way. They flirt and then talk on the phone. They talk for hours and hours, about past relationships, things they like and don't like, what they want in a partner, what they expect from each other. They send texts and IMs and photos. They start to write sexy notes, then make sexy phone calls. They spend months building what they both hope will become true love, once they finally meet face to face.
In the meantime, as geography would have it, Jan ends up moving across the country to where Nan is now living. Jan and Nan begin to see each other again, both thinking at first that their relationship would now take the form of friendship, but once they hugged each other, feelings came flooding back for both of them. They couldn't seem to keep their hands off each other, and didn't seem to want to. They struggled with whether this was cheating or not. Jan and Ann hadn't met yet, they had no spoken agreement of monogamy. They just loved each other, but Jan loved Nan too.
Nan had been pining for Jan. She now felt she'd made a mistake in severing their ties. She wanted Jan back in her life more than anything. Jan never told Ann about this development, afraid of losing her before they even met. She knew that if things didn't work out with Nan this time, and she'd lost Ann because of it, she'd resent Nan forever. Jan never wants to feel that towards Nan, she loves her too much. Jan and Nan both agree that Jan needs to meet Ann. Ann is very far away, and very busy. Jan doesn't have a lot of available loot. Plane tickets and hotels would be involved. Plans have been discussed but nothing is concrete yet. Nan wants Jan to hurry up and get it over with. She feels like this trip will be the end for her and Jan, or Jan will come back to Nan, making her feel like she's the runner-up.
Jan feels like she can't win, because either way she's hurting Nan, but knows she has to go. Jan also knows if she falls for Ann completely, she'll be sad instead of happy because she will have to break Nan's heart, and then, if it doesn't work out, she will have hurt Nan for nothing and will have lost her chance with her, making her want to die a horrible and gruesome death over and over.
Yes, I have a flair for the dramatic.
It's not a happy story, just a story about real life and how twisted around and crazy things can become when love pulls the strings.