Saturday, May 31, 2008

Something To Talk About

I met a beautiful intelligent woman. She was filled with deep deep sadness from horrible abuses she was made to suffer again and again as a very young child. She is brave and kind. She is talented and gentle. She is a woman and still a child. A child that never grew up lives within her. They share her body, and she doesn't mind. Others live within her as well. They are not welcome. They are loud and scary. They torture her and make her want to bang on her head. They poke needles through her eyes. Yet she survives, and not only survives, but prevails. She graduated law school in the top of her class. She deals with all that haunts her daily, like it's a trip to the mall.
When I cannot think, I think of her. She gives herself to me freely, in many ways. She knows me inside and out. She doesn't want to tell me of her pain and struggling. She doesn't want to make me feel sorry for her, or make me sad. She doesn't want me to worry that she can't eat or sleep, sometimes for days. She loves me and pretends for me that everything is alright.
She needs help. I want to help her but I am in over my head. She is afraid a stranger might try to put her away, so am I. I love her. She is amazing. She is a work of art. She is a survivor, but more than that, a conqueror.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I would pretend for you and bend for you and come to you and comfort you. I would lie loving lies and always strain to hear you over every voice that would drown you out. I would take your whole magic deep inside me if I could. If I could.

Certain Magician said...

anonymous, I know you would baby.

Anonymous said...

unless she is a danger to herself or to others (you included) they would not hospitalize her. The best bet is to get her to a psychiatrist quickly. It is amazing what meds are out there today. I am a firm believer in psychiatrists and meds.

Certain Magician said...

anonymous, The "danger" doesn't have to be proven, just perceived, and even the best of the meds have unfortunate side effects.
Once she passes the bar and starts work, she will begin looking for a trustworthy doctor, but the whole prospect is still pretty scary.

indigo7275 said...

I am speaking from personal experience so I understand the scary prospect of diagnosis. I also have been on meds since February, so I understand the side effects of meds. Depending on which meds are given as to how severe the side effects. Currently I can say things have not been as bad as I perceived them. Just maintain hope for her :) Oh and that was me up there (anonymous #2)

Certain Magician said...

inigo7275, Thank you for sharing that, and your kind words. :) All the best to you!

Claudia said...

* sighs heavily *

Love, even with all it's infinite power and magic, sometimes isn't enough. I've been there, felt this, both sides of the coin, and it has to be one of the most frustrating, emotional, passionate, insanity known to woman. Loss of control, depths of despair, hopelessness, fear. Careful words, gentle assurances, convictions. I hope for BOTH of you that in the end find the end of the rainbow and peace below it.

Certain Magician said...

claudia, Thanks for your input. I know that all too often love is not enough, but for some, just getting through one more day qualifies as a victory, so one victory at a time, we must try.

RED MOJO said...

Sounds like you have your hands full...literally ;)

Certain Magician said...

red mojo, thank you for finding me...yes, hands...mouth...the list goes on.